Book Club of the Damned. That’s what Paul Constant over at the Stranger calls it when he reads an awful book on a dare. Well, that’s New Moon for me. I need bleach now. Spoilers abound here. I just don’t care enough about your enjoyment of this book to worry about spoiling it. Plus, if you haven’t read it yet and you’ve stumbled here, then you probably are reading it on your own Book Club of the Damned quest.

Plot: At her own birthday party with the Cullens, the vegetarian vampires, Bella Swan accidentally cuts herself triggering their blood lust. Luckily everything ends up okay, but the Cullens decide to leave town rather than accidentally eat Bella. Whatever will Bella do without her beloved but vacuous Edward? Why, she’s start hanging out with the hunky Indian boy Jacob down at the rez, all the while pining for Edward. But she’s too selfish to leave him alone when he develops feelings for her, and he’s too creepy to walk away himself. Then bad vampires start hunting Bella and the Indian youth turn into werewolves (good ones, right?) and Edward in South America thinks Bella has killed herself so he heads to Italy to get the King Vampire to kill him because he is heartbroken. Bella runs to Italy to save him by letting him know that she’s alive, but then the royal vampires give the Cullens an ultimatum to kill Bella or make her a vampire. Which is what she wants anyway, and we are done with the book.

Most codependent relationship I’ve ever read. Bella is just dead inside without her Edward. Edward is the same without Bella. Bella has to have a boy around to feel okay, whether it’s Edward or Jacob. I wanted to strangle her. Edward too. Also Jacob for good measure.

Hated all the navel gazing. A fair amount of action happens. But each time it’s followed by pages of badly written thoughts from Bella about what it all means for her and Edward. 300 levels of parsing.

Edward and now Jacob are just as creepy as before. And as manipulative. Jacob gets to be the nice guy who sticks with Bella in the hope that she comes around to having a thing for him. He’ll be the shoulder to cry on until he can use it to get in her pants. Of course, that’s until Edward returns and then Jacob gets overtly manipulative and somewhat scary trying to get Bella to break it off.

Truly awful tripe.

So why did I read this for Book Club of the Damned? I am being bribed. It’s a good bribe. It involves boots. Plus, sometimes this is just cathartic. And it’s a library book so my only cost was the caffeine necessary to read it.

Title: New Moon
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Cover creator: Gail Doobinin (designer) / John Grant (photographer)
Series: Twilight Saga; 2
Imprint / publisher: Megan Tingley Books / Little Brown
Format: Hardcover
Length: 563 p.
Publication date: September 2006
ISBN-10: 0-316-16019-9
ISBN-13: 978-0-316-16019-3
Subject: Vampires — Fiction
Subject: Werewolves — Fiction
Subject: High schools — Fiction
Subject: Schools — Fiction
Subject: Washington (State) — Fiction
LC classification: PZ7.M57188New 2006

Heather bribed me to read Twilight. I lived in Boise, Idaho for about a year. One of the few things I miss about the city is pizza from Flying Pie, particularly gourmet night when they try out pizzas not on their main menu. A pizza smorgasbord. Because people remember their pizza so fondly, the pizzeria offers a pre-made pizza option. They’ll put together one of their pizzas, then pack it in dry ice for you to deliver to your favorite people in other cities. Heather offered up one of their pizzas if I would subject myself to the dazzling angst that is Twilight. Twilight seemed like a small price to pay for a Flying Pie pizza, so I agreed.

Isabella Bella Swan moves to tiny Forks, Washington to live with her father. She soon becomes convinced the dazzling, gorgeous, aloof, smart, talented, athletic boy Edward Cullen is both a vampire and in love with pathetic, lonely, whiny, introverted, fickle, clumsy, over-analytic yet advanced placement new girl in town, herself! Turns she’s right, and chaste adventures ensue.

Surprisingly, I didn’t hate this book. It’s not good, particularly the first half of the book where the characters annoyed me so much I twittered every idiotic move, much to the annoyance of my followers. Bella thinks about two things: how much she hates Forks (go home!) and how much she likes Edward Cullen. Boys boys boys! The book only passes the Bechdel test because Bella discusses her class schedule with the school secretary. She has four local boys chasing after her, and yet she goes for the creepy distant guy who at that point had no redeeming features except for his good looks and designer clothes. Which is fairly normal I’m sure. Just annoying. Worse though is that she likes to claim she’s unattractive. She’s just a little too self-involved to care about. I started rooting for the vampires to cut her up and eat her in the grisliest fashion possible.

After Edward reveals himself, the story picks up and became more bearable. Either that or I became inured to Bella’s whining. Sure, there’s still too much self-flagellating discussion between the two young almost-lovers. He repeats a hundred times that he’s too dangerous to be around her, yet is too selfish to walk away. She breathily pleads for him to never leave her. What sees in her I do not know. Meyer’s narrative says Edward is exceptionally attracted to her scent. Although we boys appreciate a girl who smells nice, T&A is what really attracts us at age 17. But I can indulge Meyer her wish fulfillment scenario where boys are interested in more lofty pursuits.

As I noted, the story picks up. Edward saves Bella with his Superman speed and strength, preventing an out of control van from crushing her tender mortal body. Later he arrives just in time to save Bella from the clutches of dastardly would-be rapists in fair Port Angeles, center of the Northwest’s urban crime zone. Bella even gets to watch a super-fast vampire family baseball game before the evil vampire’s show up and all hell breaks loose. While the alpha-vampire-male playground fight is so derivative the Treasury has to bail it out (yes, I just made a stimulus joke), it’s still fun to watch. Well, except for the fact that Bella passes out when the ultimate confrontation takes place so I didn’t get to see what happens in this exclusively first-person narrative! Bella passes out! Next scene, let’s talk to the winners! Which vampire, the good one or the evil one, gets to claim Bella for books two through however many Meyer will write?

What came to mind multiple times while reading this is Ender’s Game. Yup. The Orson Scott Card (another nebbish Mormon writer) written science fiction classic. That one was all about introverted geek boys realizing their alpha-male fantasies of secret skills that could be revealed if given the right opportunity such as a weightless training school in space for child soldiers. This one is all about introverted geek girls realizing their fantasies of designer clothes, popularity, and Jane Austen style chaste love if only given the right situation such as the school male model heart-throb being a secret vampire. I liked Ender’s Game at the time and failed to see it’s flaws, but with a little bit of self-awareness later in life I came to see it for what it is. The girls who got sucked into Twilight should revel in the fantasy while they can.

Now that I’ve taken one bribe, I must offer the option to all. I’ve got a pretty liberal review policy already, but if you have a book you want reviewed on Rat’s Reading, I am now open to creative bribes as well. Not just any bribe will do, however. If I wasn’t willing to read a free book before, you gotta come up with something really unique or awesome to change my mind. It’s gotta be something good enough to get people to exclaim I can’t believe they did that just to get reviewed for the three schmucks that read that blog! For example, convincing your city to install a bronze bust of me in front of the main library.

Two caveats. This does not guarantee a positive review. Hence, I suggest authors and publicists avoid this opportunity. If it takes a bribe at all, much less one of my envisioned magnitude, to get me to read your book, it’s probably going to be a seriously negative review. Second, all bribes and who made them will be disclosed along with the review. Partially so folks won’t question my editorial integrity, but mostly so everyone can laugh at you (or me).

If that sounds tantalizing, offer me your bribes via Twitter or email at reading kingrat.biz.

Title: Twilight
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Cover creator: Gail Doobinin (designer) / Roger Hagadone (photographer)
Series: Twilight Saga; 1
Imprint / publisher: Little, Brown / Hachette
Format: Paperback
Length: 498 p.
Publication date: September 2006
ISBN-10: 0-316-01584-9
ISBN-13: 978-0-316-01584-4
Subject: Vampires — Fiction
Subject: High schools — Fiction
Subject: Schools — Fiction
Subject: Washington (State) — Fiction
LC classification: PZ7.M57188Tw 2005